


Fíli and Kíli's Chili

by sofiathefool



Series: Middle-Earth Shorts [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Crack, Durin Family, Durin Family Adopts Bilbo Baggins, Durin's "Welcome to the family" Tradition, Fíli and Kíli Are Little Shits, M/M, Poor Bilbo, Poor Thorin, chili - Freeform, prank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 11:16:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7799623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sofiathefool/pseuds/sofiathefool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Durin brothers notice how their Uncle had been behaving around Bilbo and decide to take matters into their own hands. </p><p>This is a very short, very silly fanfic, that I wrote very quickly after the idea popped up in the shower. It's a mess. Read at your own peril.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fíli and Kíli's Chili

**Author's Note:**

> This made more sense in the shower. Blame this on me having eaten vegan chili on the last three main meals I've had.

Thorin thought he was being clever, but really, he wasn't.

Kíli had seen it. Mahal, even _Fíli_ had seen it. Honestly, if Fíli, the most oblivious Dwarf in the matters of the heart, had noticed that something was off, it was proof enough that Thorin was not being half as discreet as his royal arse no doubt thought he was.

They can't blame him; after all, who would've noticed anything when the most Thorin ever said to the Hobbit was _"Hurry up!"_ and _"Get a move on"_? But they'd seen it: the way Thorin's gaze would find Bilbo's sleepy form across the fire at the camp, the Hobbit torn between eating whatever stew was shoved into his hands and falling asleep on the spot; the way Thorin placed his bedroll nearly directly across from Bilbo's so he could easily observe the Burglar unnoticed; the way Thorin's eyes lit up with pride whenever Bilbo succeeded at accomplishing a simple survival task, only to very quickly mask it with his well-practised contemptuous, disdainful frown; the way Thorin pushed himself and showed off just a bit more than usual when he knew Bilbo's eyes were on him...

It was very subtle to an outsider, especially to the Hobbit himself - who no doubt was more worried about a certain cousin of his stealing his silverware than he cared about throwing his charms at the stubborn Dwarf King -, but to someone like Kíli who had known Thorin since he could remember, the situation was pretty obvious to him.

So, as a good nephew, he decided he couldn't let this situation continue unackowledged. Knowing his Uncle, he was sure Thorin would never have the impulse to just sit down and thoroughly analyse his feelings for Bilbo - let alone make a move - and Kíli really wanted to see his Uncle happily bonded before the next century, damn it. (He purposefully ignored that there were only 9 years left until both the century and the millennium changed.)

However, it _is_  Kíli we're talking about here, the young Prince who spent half his time wreaking havoc and the other half getting punished for it. It could only be expected of him to come up with the most ridiculous, obvious yet private way to tell his Uncle that he knew. Not even Fíli's sceptical eyebrow could have dissuaded his younger brother, who just shrugged and kept on looking for tomatoes. He would have proceeded with or without Fíli's support. 

Fortunately for Kíli - and very unfortunately for Thorin, indeed -, Fíli was just as attracted to a good prank as his younger brother. 

This was the reason why the two Princes were found cooking the day after the Troll incident.

Bombur was  _still_ complaining about the rough treatment they had received from the trolls, and it made for the perfect excuse for the brothers to volunteer themselves to cook. The cook had taken their gesture in good faith and let them be, not thinking twice about the odd development. Fíli and Kíli had grinned in response.

Thorin had looked at the boys weirdly, suspicion twisting his features into a frown, but the boys ignored him - or at least pretended to - in favour of adding the correct herbs and spices to their stew.

The first one who realized what they were doing was Balin. 

"You are going to get into trouble, lads," was the old dwarf's simple warning.

"We know," was the brothers' simple response.

Balin just shook his head, muttered something under his breath, and made his way to his brother and to the King, who were busy comparing blade sizes and their efficiency. The counsillor would rather hear the poorly masked euphemisms than contribute to mischief.

The sun had set when the boys were finally done with the meal. They served a bowl separately and added extra spices, stirring them into the stew and letting the bowl stand between Fíli's feet - believe or not, he was the less clumsy of the two, therefore, he would be less likely to knock the bowl over and ruin the plan. 

Slowly, all the Company made its way to the cooking pot and served themselves, complimenting the Princes as they ate. Balin didn't even need to taste it to know what it was, shooting the Princes a glare as he served himself. Dwalin and Thorin commented on the familiarity of the dish but neither seemed to grasp just what exactly it was. The brothers couldn't blame them; their special dish was indeed rather different when they didn't have a full - or mostly full - pantry to supply them the right ingredients. 

The last member to come and fetch his food was none other than their burglar. No one had noticed how Fíli had discreetly lifted the separate bowl from the floor and pretended to be filling it up as soon as he had spotted the Hobbit.

"There you go, Master Burglar. I hope you enjoy our cooking!" Fíli had offered, grinning excitedly. 

Bilbo lifted a brow, " _You_ cooked this?"

"Why? Is it that difficult to believe?" Kíli replied, pretending to be offended.

"We do know how to fend for ourselves, Mister Hobbit," Fíli defended as he directed a most unimpressed look at Bilbo. 

"I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't," Bilbo quickly ammended. "It's just that you have never volunteered to cook before..."

Kíli flashed the Hobbit an adorable little smile. It was his most lethal charm. He almost looked innocent. Almost. "Well, Master Bombur was complaining about how much his back still hurt from the encounter with the trolls and we thought it would be nice to help out."

"He did appreciate the help," Fíli added, smiling at Bilbo. His braided moustache dangled in the process.

"Well, I am glad you helped poor Bombur then," Bilbo concluded with an earnest smile. He looked down at the bowl and stirred the contents, the exotic aroma of the stew invading his nostrils. "What is this, anyway?"

"Oh, just a special recipe _'amad_ taught us when we were younger. It's traditional in our family," Kíli supplied. 

Fíli spotted Thorin suddenly squinting at his stew. They needed to be quick. "Why don't you taste it, Bilbo?"

Thorin raised his head as comprehension dawned on him; however, before he could slap the bowl from Bilbo's hands, the Hobbit was chewing a spoonful. 

"It's very nice," the Burglar commented, his mouth still full. He swallowed. "It has an interesting seasoning. You boys have to tell me how you did it. It's really good."

"Thank you. We call it chili," informed Fíli.

"Mostly because it rhymes with our names, really," Kíli added, shrugging. It made the Hobbit roll his eyes.

After that, Bilbo sat down on the floor next to them and stirred the stew with a happy smile on his face. The smile suddenly fell. The brothers were turning red due to the strain of containing laughter. Bilbo was turning red for a different reason altogether. 

It would be unnecessary to say that the Company was confused when they heard the scream, even more so when they saw their poor little Hobbit frantically looking for his waterskin and drinking all of its contents in one giant gulp. It would also be unnecessary to say that they didn't hesitate to laugh when they heard Fíli and Kíli's wheezing. Dwalin, who knew about the tradition as he himself had been put through it, had choked on his own stew. Balin, unsurprised, was patting his brother's back whilst contemplating the best way to punish the little rascals. 

The most hilarious reaction, though, was Thorin's. It seemed he was trying really hard to make his best impression of a redfish, what with his scarlet face and gaping mouth. His chest was rising and falling very quickly beneath the armor and there were beads of sweat rolling down his temple. Horrified didn't even begin to describe how the King felt.

After he had calmed his coughing and miserable wheezing a little more, Bilbo directed a glare at the brothers. 

"Oh, don't look at us like that!" Kíli exclaimed. He was still struggling with laughter.

"Every single one of us has it that spicy!"

Bilbo seemed sceptical. Fíli offered him the last spoon of his chili. Bilbo reluctantly took it. It didn't take long for him to yell and run to the lake nearby. They wouldn't be surprised if Bilbo managed to drain the lake within an hour. 

Kíli looked at Fíli with confusion and amusement in his eyes. 

"I added the last of the pepper to my scraps," Fíli clarified. The brothers dissolved into giggles again.

Spotting their Uncle with his red face buried in his hands as he prayed apologies to Mahal, clearly dismayed, only made them laugh harder.

Later on that night, after Bilbo had gone to sleep and Thorin was well out of earshot - he was having a pleasant sulking session away from the Company -, the Princes told the Company all about their prank, and how it wasn't really a prank but more of a way to leave a message to Thorin. Glóin had asked how that was a message, and Kíli was all too happy to explain his ingenious plan to the others.

In their family, it was tradition to make a special dinner when one of their Intendeds were presented to the family. After the traditional hours of getting to know each other, the family would head into the dining room, where dinner was already served. On the plate of the Intended, either chilies or piri-piri were heavily added to their plate, making it unbearably spicy. Everyone else's stew was normal. For the Durins, serving chili was their way of welcoming a newcomer to the family. It had been done to Víli, the boys' father, when he had joined the family, to Dwalin when he had started dating their mother a few years back, and to Vígdís, Fíli's Intended, when she had been introduced to the family. By doing this to Bilbo, they were basically welcoming him into the Durins, and it let Thorin know that they were aware of his infatuation for Bilbo. 

Dwalin had smacked both of them across the heads. Balin had shaken his head disapprovingly. Gandalf was quietly chuckling to himself. 

It is needless to say that a new betting poll was created that night, and if all of them were rooting for what they cleverly decided to call "Bagginshield", they were wise enough not to mention any of it to their brooding King. And if Thorin laid his bedroll nearer to Bilbo's that night, well, none of them seemed to notice. Except Fíli and Kíli, who looked at their Uncle and puckered their lips, making over-the-top kissing noises. Thorin flipped them the bird.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I don't know how to feel about this being my first contribution to the Hobbit and Bagginshield fandoms. I am supposed to be working on another Bagginshield fic, but this idea popped up in my head and I couldn't resist. 
> 
> By the way, I think it is wise of me to inform that I am not well-practised in the arts of crack fic. It's the first time I am actually publishing something purposefully silly. If you, for some reason, want to read how things turned out for these two, then let me know. :) 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
